Monday, October 25, 2010
Isn't it funny how sometimes the wrong decisions can lead you down the right path? It seems like for the last year I have made nothing but the wrong decisions, but then I look at where I am now and I see that everything happen for a reason, and it definitely was for the right reasons. I might have been hurt, I might have been used, I might have gotten mad and I might have even wanted to hurt someone really really bad, which I haven't wanted to do fro a very long time, but I look back now and I know it all had to happen for a good reason, so I would appreciate what I have now. It's been a very rough bumpy, no bumpy doesn't even begin to cover the road I've traveled the last 5 or 6 years but I know I had to travel them to get where I am now. I wish I didn't, I wish my son wouldn't have had to, no child should have had to, I still don't understand that part. But I am a big girl, bigger than I'd like to be at times, but I made my own decisions, damn it!
But, now I can look back and see I still had some growing to do, some learnin' to do, but I think I'm there, I can appreciate the better things that life has to offer. I know I deserve better than the scum of the earth that I had been expecting for myself, thinking that was all I deserved, because that was what I had been taught, but no I deserve the very best that life has to offer, we all do, no one deserves to be talked down to, treated like dirt and made to feel that they are unworthy of true real love.
So, this path that I am on now, I think I can finally except it as my own, not someone other than mine, I'm not looking in through the window, wishing it were my life, day dreaming all the time, thinking "what if's", this is my life and it's pretty darn good, don't get me wrong there is definitely still room for some improvement and I still have gotten all my little hang-ups worked up, and I still try to self sabotage, stupid I know, and I mentally kick my ass all the time! And I have a group of really good friends now, that help with that, and a man that is completely AWESOME and the key word there is MAN! who also helps with the occasional kicking of my ass when I get on myself too hard. So the road doesn't become a 6 lane interstate overnight, or even over the course of a year, but I'm working on it, and it is happening, and hey I've got to have a little excitement here and there.. I am me and I can't get bored! ;-)
Anyway, things are never what they seem and with me they are never what I plan, I should have learned that a long time ago.. QUIT PLANNING! and listen to my head a little more! Things all happen for a reason even the bad and most definitely the good!! and right now life is WAY GOOD!