Sunday, September 20, 2015

~ Age? Who Knew One Day I'd Be Grateful To You!!!~

Today I am grateful for age!! I can not believe I am saying that, I have fought it, denied it, lied about it, wished I could have turned it back, and at times even had a do over.
Today and it could be just for today I am grateful for my age, and all that it has brought me to here and not to be the 20 or 30 somethings of today and definitely not the children of today. I might have my problems, made my mistakes (plenty),but I haven't been over analyzed, stimulated, drugged, stressed, ignored, put in front of little technical devices to be entertained 24/7, over/under educated, exposed to things at ages no one should ever be exposed to their whole lives, to a point that these 20-30 somethings are lashing out, freaking out, breaking down at unbelievable rates and by ages that are staggering, they won't make it to their 40's.
My age, not disclosed, wink emoticon has brought me to a love and appreciation of all things in nature. To be outside and how to be outside, being able to do things with my hands, simple things for myself, that until recently that I thought were common sense. But know its called "lost arts", really?? We all grew up doing this stuff every day! We were taught real and useful education, even though we didn't think so, most of it we have used, we know how to write, we can print and write in cursive. We know how to use a library and read a book in print. We can handle more stressful situations, because we know how to de-stress, its call having fun without destroying someone else's property. We know what respect is, because we were taught it, one way or the other.
There is another thing I'm grateful for my age about, It's given my "not give a fuck" button a wider berth (boating term) and my "don't fuck with" button an even wider berth. I guess what I'm saying is I care deeper for the things that matter to me and the one that don't, I flick like a flea and don't give another thought.
Age may give us a lot of negatives, but it seems it also gives us a lot of positives. DAMN DAMN!!! This realization came as I listened last evening to one of my son's friends sit and tell my honey and I that he was in the hospital after he passed out as he was about to punch a guy at work, he's 25. The ER told him he had some sort of stress related heart attack, and that if he didn't relieve some of his stress, he would have a heart attack and that his blood pressure was thorough the roof, he's 25. So now he's on blood pressure medications and has doctor appointments up the ass.
So yes I'm grateful for my age today! my coping abilities, my hard times, not being handed everything, working my ass off as a kid, fighting for everything I wanted, because its taught me how to blow off steam in the good ole boy way, not stress the small shit, choose my battles, and let go of the things that were causing me harm and stress.
Age who knew i'd be grateful for you one day!

Saturday, September 19, 2015

WILD MUSTANGS! Just a little something

  • As a young girl growing up the last horse I had before my world fell apart was the best horse, I really didn't think of him as a horse, he was my friend, my partner, my escape, my love, my life, my future, he knew my my every thought and move sometimes even before I did, but we didn't start out that way. My last horse started off as if you looked at him headed for the glue factory,he was a California/Nevada Mustang already heading to his second home.
    My Mustang was wilder than anything when i got him, you'd think he just came from the ranges but he was supposedly broke. He was the most beautiful thing you ever saw, midnight black, 3 white socks and a white question mark on his beautiful face. When i bought him from his previous owner he was not well taken care of nor was he broke. What he was, was hard on the eyes, under weight and also understatement of being green broke and tried anything and everything to kill me just to get me off his back when i tried him out. After that first ride I was set on getting that horse. My mother, had other ideas, she even made me try him out on two separate occasions he was that rank. He tried to rare, buck, bite, run away, stomp on me, everything a rank unbroken horse could do, this little dirty black horse did do, he did and quick, like lightening,he could have put a PCRA rough stock bucking horse to shame and if i hadn't been riding my whole life and seen the spark that lit when this horse moved and the intelligence that he had he probably would have succeeded in killing me he wasn't trying kill me he just wanted me off his back and was doing damn fine job at, but I was having the time of my life. On both occasion  I walked out of those test rides dusty, exhausted, exhilarated, and with the biggest smile on my face that nobody could wipe off even if they tried. I knew that horse was gonna be mine, even if I had to steal him, I wanted him that bad. 
    I bought that Mustang on that second try out, no questions but with many arguments with my parents. But I was going to have that horse. I  knew we would be good together and he would be the challenge I was ready for. We got him home and he was a terror to our other horses, he wanted to run the herd, he wast the wild mustang after all, or at least that's what his attitude was in the pasture. I would hear his squeals and battles in the fields those first few weeks and just laugh. I knew we were so much a like.  We were told he was about 6, and catching him in our pastures was nearly impossible. I had to trick him every day. I would feed him under a huge pine tree, I'd drop a huge flake of hay and some grain and then I'd climb up the tree and wait until he was engrossed in eating and then I'd jump, yes jump on to his back and hang on for dear life, because with him, I was taking my like in my hands, as soon as he realized that I was on his back he would take off hell bent on getting me off his back, going through the bushes, under trees and limbs, jumping logs and berms, anything to get rid of me. After months of doing this twice a day it became a game and a leisurely run with the other horses sometimes chasing us and always our German Shepard would join in on the chase He would chase us trying to make us run even faster, at first this was not a funny thing, a 115lb dog nipping at a wild horses heels and me hanging on only by his mane and my legs it was not a good combination, but I'm sure the scene was funnier than anything you've seen on Americas funniest videos.
    During all of this, I was taking English and Dressage lessons from a wonderful lady name Judy Herman and I would take Liquorice Twist on my weekend classes because those days it was just a more relaxed day and Judy just needed a good laugh, and that is when Liquorice got his name. Anytime Judy would ask us to do this one dressage move Liquorice would get it in his head to take off like a banshee, and i would just let him, well at first I wouldn't let him, but after Judys' reactions the first few dozen times i couldn't help myself and then I would just laugh my but off!! and Judy would just sit there and scream "control your horse! control your horse!!" and we would go back to the previous move and we'd start again and it would happen again and again, and by the end of the lesson Judy would be sitting on the arenas floor laughing so hard she'd just about pee her pants. So when we were going through names for my little black box of dynamite, sitting on the arena floor one during a Saturday afternoon laughing fit discussing my little horses name, because the name he came with just wasn't doing it for us we couldn't even call him by it, it was barred, I wanted something with finesse and punch, my instructor wanted something that would stand out in the show ring, go figure. We went through tons and tons of names, putting parts of names in hats and piecing them together with other names, and finally when he kept doing the open rein twist and taking off, and to boot  he was the color of wet Liquorice it all came together, hence the name; Liquorice Twist. Over countless hours, lots and lots of lessons, patience's,diligence and my stubbornness and pure love for this horse we became inseparable and he would do anything i asked him, i could do a dead mans ride on him, hang from his tail and he'd drag me,  ask him to jump 6 ft jumps and he'd clear them and go back for a higher one,  go threw any obstacle I would put in front of him or that we came across on the trail  and he would do it willingly, with out balking, ears forward and just with a slight nudge from my seat he would go anywhere I asked,  he was amazing he would do anything I asked him as long as I should him the same trust.
    One weekend we were at our riding clubs arena practicing for the upcoming show and there were some of the "high fluting" girls with their high dollar horses there practicing.  We were all doing our thing and we were practicing jumping and getting our horses warmed up and use to the arena, the sights and equipment.  As we show girls do we started having a jump off. I have to tell you my little mustang was just over 15 hands, barely a horse by horse measurements some of those professional horses were well over 16 hands, they made my baby look like a pony. We'd canter around the arena and take a stab at the jump, it was a game of HORSE with jumps, you know like they do in basketball? Anyway you make the jump you get to jump again and it goes up a tire, you miss your out. Well needless to say the jump kept going up and up and this dang jump was up to my horses nose and we were still going and he wasn't stopping or missing, and all these girls were going," whats that horse made of springs" and i just would smile and make another pass. We never did miss, my mother made us stop and said, "OK Shawnee enough showing off" I really wasn't I just wanted to see how high we could go, he really was amazing and the bond we had was just like we were one. It was so much fun riding him. When we finally did quit that jump that we hadn't missed, it was well over 6ft. high and he hadn't missed once or balked it once. He was like the wind and had the wings of an eagle, I think that's why the Native Americans were so impressed with them they are swift, agile and can fly threw the air so swift you wont even see them and they are just little slight things you'd think they would be frail and fragile, but they are hardy, strong, and have the heart of a bear.
    On the trail he was spook proof, but that came from being in the band always being on the look out for dangers, we did do a lot of playing with anything and everything we'd ride up to something and he'd snort it out and stomp his hooves and decided he'd won that battle and march past it and it wasn't ever a problem again. On an over night trail ride I decided to ride in my English saddle for two reasons, one is that he hated the western saddle, being short bodied he'd liked to buck if you put a western saddle on him, and two, I used a cloth girth and this way i could pull my stir-ups up and run through the rivers with out ruining my saddle, hence not getting my butt into trouble. Liquorice loved the trail I think it reminded him of the wild and with me on his back i don't think he minded because i loved be free and i would just give him his head and give him his way, i knew he would take care of me. He was sure footed and agile, steep inclines or declines were nothing to him, I think he was part mountain goat and he could go on for days if i needed him to. He'd out ride the trail bosses, they weren't to happy about that, but i had been riding that trail ride since i was 6 so it was no to big of a worry, i wasn't going to get that lost. But when we'd get to the rivers, I'd put my stir-ups up and we'd blaze through the water and have a blast. Then back to the trail and over and under anything I should have thought about doing endurance rides, I've heard mustangs make awesome endurance horses, I can see why, they are like the energizer bunny they never stop and do anything you ask them. We'd arrive in camp and he wouldn't even be tired, it was like a walk on the beach, but we had been doing runs on the beach for months so he was in amazing shape and condition. 
    To see him run in the pasture was a sight to be seen, like seeing them in the wild, manes flowing, tales flying high, bucking and kicking, his favorite thing. It was like time standing still if only for an instant.
    In our first show he really out did himself in all his beauty, i was a nervous wreck, he was the picture of calmness. I couldn't even remember my contestant number, no kidding! I had been riding in shows, parades, playday's, and gymkhana my whole life and this one i couldn't remember my number. We were only entered in 3 classes, this being his first show, but we had been doing great  so far, in the first 2 classes and in the 3rd class which we knew was going to be our best and the strange thing: my parents sponsored the silver plate. If your a horse person you'll understand this. You have to understand this was a huge 2 day horse show with 50 contestants in a class, with horses that cost tens of thousands of dollars, I paid $500 for my little wonderful mustang, I'm 12, they are mostly professional riders, I'm training for the 80 Olympics (hopefully) yep I forgot my number. The class is English pleasure horse and rider, where both the horse and rider are judge together. I had thought through out the class we had done really well he had done everything I had asked him correctly without fail, i felt stiff, i was a nervous wreck, we were asked to line up in front of the judge, and they start calling out the ribbons starting from 6th and I'm not called and all the way to 2nd I'm not called, I'm patting Liquorice's neck telling him its OK, he did a great job ignoring the loud speaker and the lady on the massively expensive warm blood next to me says," um that's you, you just won." I say "Me are you sure? whats my number?" She says my number and i numbly trot up to the presenter of the ribbon and silver, my father, in total and utter shock and in tears. On the way out of the arena my best friend came  over to congratulate me and i busted out into tears and she just laughed at me. Liquorice, my little wild mustang had just won English pleasure horse and rider at his first show, he had truly come a long way and had come to truly trust me. In retrospect winning that damn class was my down fall with my horse, my baby, my love. But in that moment I don't think I had ever been happier or prouder.
    Liquorice and I had many many adventures he was my escape from a very dysfunctional family life and anytime i wanted to feel free or safe i would go out into the field and jump onto his back and just lay there bare back and he'd take me for a ride it was no longer a ride to rid his rider but a trip between friends discussing what had happen that day, we'd talk as he galloped over limbs and under trees, I'd sit and watch him graze on grass while i laid in the field making a daisy chain for his beautiful black neck. Then we'd be off again, i no longer needed to trick him to catch him, but still was our game, he'd try and out smart me to see if i could catch him before he finished his breakfast or his dinner  before our rides, I think he just enjoyed our little naked runs through the fields, i know they were my favorite times. Other times were when we ride through town, yes i grew up in one of those kinds of towns and at first this was quiet a ride, or i should say rodeo, but the trooper Liquorice was he championed the traffic, noises and lights and it too became seconded nature and it was a weekly trip that he looked forward to as much as i did, he knew as soon as we hit that beach i was taking that saddle off and he was getting to run for all his might in the waves, he loved to run in the waves but boy to see his face when he saw the ocean and waves  the first time the snorts and sounds were so funny i swear it was a monster coming to get him, good thing i didn't take the saddle off that day!!! But after the first few trips up and down the beach he was calm and in control, yeah like a keg of dynamite, but he was having fun with the feel of the sand and the smells of the beach. After that it was guns ho! We would run and run and jump drift wood, chase seagulls, play in tide pools, and play in the waves for hours and dread when the time would come to go home, but we would soaking wet covered in sand, salt and sweat but happier than the clams at high tide. 
    Liquorice had a natural elegance he was small but walked like a mighty Friesian! He thought his poop didn't stink, so when he was in the ring he strutted. I had been taking English lessons and dressage lessons for a while when i bought my little mustang, i need a challenge, I had no idea what i had, our lessons were comical but they were challenging, exhilarating exasperating and thrilling. He learned, I learned, my instructor was challenged and in our group class we all learned. Because he was such a piece of work we adapted to his little misgivings, his twist, his need to play, classes became fun so us youngins,  we learned faster. In my private lessons. which increased we excelled mostly because i needed to work liquorice, but also because we were just simpatico, we'd invent games to challenge us on balance and endurance. Judy would make us pull our irons up, tie our reins off and ride with nothing but our seats and thighs and make us go over cavaletties, does anyone know how hard that is on a wild stubborn mustang? well let me tell you nearly impossible especially one that has his own mind to do things when and how he wants to... but when he did it right he sure was a pretty sight and Judy would jump up and down screaming, " YES YES!! That's it you've got it now do it again!!" and you're wondering what the heck you've done because its the same thing you've been trying to get your horse to do for the last 15 minutes.. but it sure is funny to watch her go crazy when you do something right. But once Liquorice figures out what you want him to do, it stays in his head,OK well except for that damn open rein turn thing, that thing just was his one wild moment... he had to have his kryptonite. But it sure was funny to watch and to be riding him when he did it, and yes i tried to stop him most every time but sometimes you just gotta let that pony run.. and that pony loved to run...
    When we started our dressage training he really was like watching dancing OK at first he was like watching the first episode of dancing with stars but with 4 legs. But he went at it like Bruno, with gusto and vigor, he loved to be ridden, just not caught, funny how that works. He loved to show off, just not told what to do. He do anything I asked him, but not let anyone else ride him. Strange little horse, no wonder I loved him so dearly. He'd reach for those extended trots like a warm blood bred for dressage and do those cross overs like he'd been doing them for years. Riding him made me deeply and forever fall in love with the Mustangs, I had always had a love for the majestic wild horses of America but being partnered with one, gave me a whole new respect for the intelligence, endurance, swiftness,  and keenness, of the Mustang and just how devoted these horses can be.  
    Sadly and like a lot of the mustangs story, my story and Licorice's does not have a happy ending, we didn't have much time together and it broke both of our spirits,hearts, and our dreams. That show we won, cost us both. My parents had problems, big problems and we had to sale everything, and site unseen, untested, I had to say good-bye to my horse;  my beloved friend, someone had bought my world. I suppose it wouldn't have been too had for Liquorice had he gone to a good home like we thought. I had devised this devious plan that up to this point was workin' like a charm on people who came and tried him out i was rotten, evil in fact, this is how it worked; Liquorice hated the Western saddle and i would use one of our bigger saddles and put it on him and when they got on him to take a test ride, he would buck like crazy, test ride over, no sale!! I know bad, but i was young and in love with my horse, he was my only salvation. He wasn't going anywhere if i could help it. Until the dreaded people came from the horse show, i should have done crappy. Site unseen they bought my little black horse and crushed my world and broke my hoses heart, OK both our hearts.
    One of us should have gotten the happily ever after ending. I always thought about my little black twist, any time I watched dressage on TV or saw mustangs I would think about him. Then about 5 or 6 years later I was at the county fair walking with some girls I was helping with 4-H and I was coming up from behind this shabby little black horse in a western saddle and i was saying to myself," boy that horse looks familiar", but inside i was going, "no it couldn't be, no it can't "  but as I walked closer and closer I knew with out a doubt before I ever got around to his face that it was Liquorice. I walked right up to Liquorice, he was dull, unhappy, skinny, he looked like the same horse I had seen so many years ago on those fated test rides. I was mad, heart broken, and in shock, I spoke his name and he perked right up! I couldn't believe the treatment and the condition he was in, I wanted to beat the day lights out of the girl riding him and her parents. I got a song and dance about how her grand parents this, and parents that and this, and i said, "who's horse is he, yours or your parents, take care of him?" I gave him the hugest hug, told him I was sorry and I loved him and walked away in tears.
    That was the last time I saw my beloved Liquorice Twist.
     But it was not the last time I've thought about him, dreamed of him, or wished I had him, or that he had died of old age and happy in my care. I have had the pleasure of having or taking care of 2 other Mustangs in my life, they were Kieger Mustangs form Oregon. They are so different then the small bodied quick endurance built Nevada/California desert Mustangs but they also have so many of the same endearing qualities.
    They are a truly majestic beautiful creature and need to be protected and managed correctly
    Omigoodness! That's amazing! Thank you from the bottom of my galloping heart for sharing!
    'Z-Shawnee Fagnani thanks for all your beautiful pictures and stories of the herds you diligently watch. its brought so many memories back to me, not that i could forget, but its made me want another mustang so bad you have no idea!! and the Kigers are such wonderful horses and so smooth and much bigger then the desert mustangs not as quick but as age set upon us quick is necessarily a need but its still fun!!

Yes, I'm Celebrating My Health! Always with a smile on my face and new diagonsis on the horizon.. just kidding

Today I am grateful for the health that I have. I could be far worse off, I could be a debbie-downer, a negative-nacy about my health, but I've learned some things from my illness's, strength, patience, which battles to fight, which wars must be won, all things come to pass, laughter helps with every thing, smiling keeps every one guessing and gives you less wrinkles, negativity only makes you sicker and it only hurts me. Good friends except you for who I am and the way I am and that far out ways any family that doesn't.
Enduring pain and hardship on a daily basis's gives you an insight, you'd rather you didn't have, but as I've aged I'm grateful for. It's made me a better person - OK a more honest, blunt, straightforward person - I call a spade a spade, and an ass-wipe an ass-wipe - I have no time for that silly crap, life is precious, special, All Life, I just wish we'd all see that.
Pain is a funny master, many can cover it up, mask it with medications, they are in some ways the lucky ones. I'm not one of those, nor do I really want to be. I'm allergic to just about every known pain medication to man, that's legal wink emoticon , or that my insurance wants to cover. Plus I like to be ALIVE, AWAKE, and PRESENT, so I deal with my pain up front in my face in real time. Its a jolly good time!! But, for me pain medications just are a mask, they mask the pain, they mask your personality, they mask your life. I want to LIVE! I want to enjoy life and celebrate LIFE!!
So even though I'm a walking facinoma, as my doctor calls me, I never could be normal, I accept, embrace my health for what it is, I'll take the best care I can of this temple that I can. It's the only way I can I can truly be happy and have the future I want. 

DISCLAIMER: I am in no way knocking anyone that can or does take pain medications. I wish there were ones that I could take that didn't try and kill me or that my insurance would cover. I also FULLY endorse medical marijuana and alternative medicine.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Today I am grateful for something that was sent to me when i was in basic training, one of the only things ever hand written to me by someone who was just learning to write and be sober. At the time I didn't know the significance of it to them or me. I kept that piece of paper, still have it.
I can't count how many times I've uttered, muttered, swore, and yelled this prayer, and yes even changed it, I'm sure we all have. But in really hard times, when I was hanging on to the very last thread, at the bottom of the rope, I'd remember that prayer, and I'd start reciting it, over and over, sometimes yelling it, out of frustration or anger. At being at another low point in my life, by my choices usually, but by reciting that prayer it would bring me back to reality and I'd reach up again and grab for that knot and climb myself out of the depths of hell.
I'm not a religious person, I'm a spiritual person, I'm a witch but we all believe in prayer, we all pray in different ways. This prayer has been with me for decades and been my saving grace.
The Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change -
The courage to change the things I can -
The wisdom to know the difference -

I never knew why it was sent to me, but I am grateful, if for nothing else.
Change is good, knowing which change to choose is the difference and comes with wisdom and is a gift.

Monday, September 14, 2015


September 14, 2015 - Day 28 ( I started writing a daily grateful when I was basically put on bed rest after being diagnosed with acute pericarditis at the end of July, I was in the hospital for 11 days, and it was pretty scary, and sitting in a bed was getting to be really hard on my otherwise positive outlook on life. I decided to do something about it, I've always loved writing, and hadn't been doing it lately, and I have lots of time on my hands. This is my solution, find every day something to be grateful for, some days are harder than others. Today was not one of them, today was more of a rant, but I am grateful for this freedom, I am grateful to be living in the USA, I just want it to be PROUD TO BE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!!

Today I am grateful for the freedom of speech, to be able to speak my mind, to be able to speak out against unjust, wrong doings. To voice my opinion, to not be afraid to if your going to offend someone or something who has done ghastly miss justices and inhumane acts, but for some reason the government, your government wants to play nice. HELL NO!! NOT IN MY AMERICA!! There is a saying, " if it looks like a duck, acts like a duck, we have to at least consider that we probably have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on are hands" by Douglas Change and "Don't waste time with people or countries who have shown their true colors, Leopards never change their spots".
Why is America? Is my question. When in history what we ever stood for this kind of shit? Let our media dictate what we vote for, what we see, not wearing the United States of America Flag lapel pin? Who do they work for? What country are they in? If it wasn't for us watching any of them would they have jobs? The government going to bed with iraq, so we don't offend them, BULLSHIT!! Let's offend them some more. All immigrants come here and want our freedoms, well we are a MELTING POT!! MELT IN WITH US!!! OR GO THE FUCK HOME!! Go back to your war savaged, diseased ridden countries. We have enough to worry about and need to start taking care of our own and QUIT protecting your ASSES!!!
We are sick of being last in everything, except first in national debt. This is now a country where the filthy rich get stinking rich and the dirt poor go to drought poor, and all the annalist with their big degrees can't figure out why, Well here's why everyone is afraid to stinking offend someone!!!
Ok my rant is done! I'm just tired of seeing all the suffering right here at home and we do nothing, and tired of seeing all the stinking filthy waste of money and greed and nothing being done here at home, but some poor country cries out and everyone rushes to help. But lets take care of HOME FIRST!!!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

just a random thougth

Life Path Number 7: The Scientist

Having a Life Path Number 7 gives you extraordinary gifts for analysis and deep contemplation.

Although you have friends (and would have many more if you weren't so selective), you would be quite content to wile away weeks at a time in an ivory tower researching some obscure topic that is fifty years ahead of it's time.

Life Path Number 7 is the quicksilver of the numbers. With a combination of deep spiritual awareness and an intellect that is razor-sharp, you are able to make intuitive leaps that baffle your teachers, co-workers, friends and occasionally yourself. No, you won't be able to explain how you came to that conclusion, but everyone who knows you knows that you are right.

Life Path Number 7s often have a carefully constructed wall around them. This does not mean you must take yourself off to a therapist, as it is there for a good reason (you are very quick to spot people who are insincere) but it may be something you should be aware of. Not everyone is good at scaling walls and some may need a gentle invitation into your ivory tower, rather than a series of tests to see if they are worthy of entering your inner circle.

Although you are a refined individual, you are one of the least judgemental: You truly see everyone you meet (at least, everyone you feel is worth getting to know) as a whole and vibrant person, regardless of race, wealth or social status. This is probably due to your spiritual guide (whatever form that takes), who you listen to closely and trust above all else - even above normal social mores and occasional laws!

Life Path Number 7s need to associate with people who understand their need for silence and solitude. You really are a person who needs time alone in that ivory tower to contemplate and recharge. To you, daydreaming is a valuable use of time, when creativity and inspiration are at their peak and you dislike anyone trying to 'snap you out of it.'

This is a worthy goal, but one that can occasionally lead to selfishness. It's fine to take time for yourself (lots of it in fact), as long as you allow for the occasional 'emergency needs' of your children and other loved ones.

Monday, October 25, 2010

The wrong decisions can lead you down the right path

Isn't it  funny how sometimes the wrong decisions can lead you down the right path? It seems like for the last year I have made nothing but the wrong decisions, but then I look at where I am now and I see that everything happen for a reason, and it definitely was for the right reasons. I might have been hurt, I might have been used, I might have gotten mad and I might have even wanted to hurt someone really really bad, which I haven't wanted to do fro a very long time, but I look back now and I know it all had to happen for a good reason, so I would appreciate what I have now. It's been a very rough bumpy, no bumpy doesn't even begin to cover the road I've traveled the last 5 or 6 years but I know I had to travel them to get where I am now. I wish I didn't, I wish my son wouldn't have had to, no child should have had to, I still don't understand that part. But I am a big girl, bigger than I'd like to be at times, but I made my own decisions, damn it! 
But, now I can look back and see I still had some growing to do, some learnin' to do, but I think I'm there, I can appreciate the better things that life has to offer. I know I deserve better than the scum of the earth that I had been expecting for myself, thinking that was all I deserved, because that was what I had been taught, but no I deserve the very best that life has to offer, we all do, no one deserves to be talked down to, treated like dirt and made to feel that they are unworthy of true real love. 
So, this path that I am on now, I think I can finally except it as my own, not someone other than mine, I'm not looking in through the window, wishing it were my life, day dreaming all the time, thinking "what if's", this is my life and it's pretty darn good, don't get me wrong there is definitely still room for some improvement and I still have gotten all my little hang-ups worked up, and I still try to self sabotage, stupid I know, and I mentally kick my ass all the time! And I have a group of really good friends now, that help with that, and a man that is completely AWESOME and the key word there is MAN! who also helps with the occasional kicking of my ass when I get on myself too hard. So the road doesn't become a 6 lane interstate overnight, or even over the course of a year, but I'm working on it, and it is happening, and hey I've got to have a little excitement here and there.. I am me and I can't get bored!  ;-) 
Anyway, things are never what they seem and with me they are never what I plan, I should have learned that a long time ago.. QUIT PLANNING! and listen to my head a little more! Things all happen for a reason even the bad and most definitely the good!! and right now life is WAY GOOD!