Monday, March 9, 2009

Being The Best Possible ME!!

~I know that all I can do is be the best me that I can. And live life with some gusto. Giving back is a big part of that. How am I going to share this experience with the American people? I'm always thinking about that.—Michelle Obama on what she knows for sure~

Being the best me that i can be! What exactly is that? I use to think the best me was what everyone else thought of me, what my parents thought, what my employers thought, what my friends thought, what my spouse thought, and so on and so on and so on... Then I got sick! Then I didn't give a shit what anyone thought, I just felt like shit, I just wanted to be left alone. I got over that one real quick. OK I got off the pity wagon, I had a kid to raise and I needed to find out why I was so ill all the time. I still didn't care what everyone else thought or being the best I could be anymore, that dream had long sailed and any idea of dreaming a new dream hadn't flitted into my little blonde brain yet. I hurt! I was mad! I didn't give a damn about anything, anyone and especially about me! I felt ugly, I was ugly, worthless and above all no one could give me any answers.

Everyone couldn't see a injury, on the outside i looked "normal' on the inside I was a mess. I had 2 strokes by the age of 26, with no explanation, I had lupus, a genetic blood disorder, a gay husband and a 2 yr old son to raise, and that was the start of my chronic illness mishap...

I never could figure out why I was the one with the big target on my chest, why I was the ONE to get all these tribulations... But you know after almost 20 years of dealing with one mishap after another, one disease that I shouldn't have, but did have after another, one failed marriage after another, one drama after another, I AM STILL HERE I AM STILL STANDING!!!! I have survived despite the best efforts of a disapproving, unloving, and uncaring family. I have found the love i so rightly deserved and have been promised. SO THERE!!! To those that told me I was unlovable. Okay so i was wrong about the love, I'm always wrong about the love, maybe I'm meant to be single, that can't be normal, but then again, I've never been normal, so why should my love life be normal. But, I can have one hell of a good time looking for it, right?

I am a walking ball of undefinable distraction, I am notorious, I am thorny, I am artistic, I am mysterious, I am Blonde, I am a veteran, I am disabled, I am a Woman, I am a Mother, I am a friend, I am a Lover, I am just me!!! All balled up into one big frickin mess, but hey I have great friends and one hell of a good time!

So now I sign things just to keep me thinking always on being the best me that i can be.. Me, Myself & Shawneen! Because there are always 3 of me, inside of me and i need to take care of all of them. The "me" is the one you see, the one you all look at, the smile, the glint in my eye, the attitude, the spunk, and all the notorious characteristics of this blonde that I'm famous for. The "myself" is the inside, the lupus, the IBD, the IBS, the blood disease, the abused woman, the rape victim, the veteran, the "self" in here that makes me tick. And if its not OK when you dont see that glint and smile that I've come to find out from some that I'm quiet famous for then screw ya, it's still me. The Shawneen is the whole package the spunk, the sparkle, the artist, the jeweler, the fabulousness that I've come to know and recently love. It's been a hard journey, and sometimes a very bumpy journey but if it had been a smooth and straight road I would not appreciate the outcome quiet as much as the road filled with the sink holes I have traveled.

So today how do I be the best Me I can be and not worry about what other people think, I don't,  and please the only other "being" that matters to me? By doing exactly what plans are laid out form me and not worry about what plans I've laid out for me, because they ALWAYS fail! . But that still doesn't tell ME how to be the BEST ME!

I use to get up and walk everyday and listen to good christian rock music and walk and walk a lot, but since moving and injuring myself, yet again, that hasn't been happening! So now I listen to my inner voices and hope they lead me in the right directions, talk to my trusted friends, and LAUGH A LOT!!! with out laughter there is no joy!
Second, I listen to my body, I have very serious chronic medical conditions and on top of that I have the wildest food allergies that a person could have so I have to watch EVERYTHING that goes into my body. I eat healthy, I am mostly a vegetarian but I do eat chicken and seafood, Cuz I LOVE SEAFOOD and I have to get protein from some where other than beans. Third, I laugh and I laugh often, which means I don't hold on to things that bother me for very long, OKthru I do not sweat the small stuff, I do love to argue a good point, especially with Absolutely Nothing but he's just fun to play with and it's never serious!  Fourth, I keep my friends close and I spend as much time with them as I possibly can and when and if any of them are in trouble they know they can call on me and that I will stand by them thru thick and thin and fight for them no matter what, and I love a good fight and I am passionate about what I believe in and will stand up for it, fight for it, protest for it and even go to jail for the things I believe in or the my friends believe in. Fifth, I have the love of my life finally and he loves to torture me and love me good. AND EVERY WOMAN NEEDS TO BE LOVED GOOD!!! Sixth, I end the day the same way I started  listening to music and talking to those that matter most! 

But, is that still being the best I can be? No I don't think so. I have to do what I was set here to do, but I have found that "thing" yet, I'm looking, I have an idea, I've started but the process is long and hard and I'm terrible at waiting, patience is not one of my virtues! I have a mission and I have to do my best to fulfill that mission. What is that mission? To get my story out to other woman and children and help them get out abusive situations so they can be the best they can be. So here I am on the brink of that mission!!
YIKES AND IS IT SCARY!!! any questions?